Konsepto ng pagpapalit ng lider

Hindi ibig sabihin na kapag ang isang organisasyon o samahan ay dumaan sa proseso ng pagpapalit ng panibagong lider nangangahulugang bulok na ang dating sistema. Ibig sabihin nito, hindi lahat ng binabagong estado ay kagigising lang mula sa bulok na sistema. Ang simpleng halimbawa nito ay ang pagtatalaga ng mga lider sa isang paaralan. Hindi nangangahulugan na ang dating lider ay hindi naging epektibo sa kanyang pamamalakad. Taon-taon tayo naghahalal ng bagong pinuno. Gaya ng Windows o Operating System ng kumpyuter. Taon-taon ay may ipinakikilalang bago, kaya naman, kung gusto mong palagi kang maging up-date sa daloy ng teknolohiya, kailangan mapera ka. Kaya tuloy, nagiging bulok na sa paningin ng mga tao ang mga nalulumang serbisyo na sa katunayan, maaari pa rin namang gamitin at pakinabangan.

Ngunit, nasa kamalayan ng yata ng mga Pinoy na kapag ang isang bagay ay dumaan sa proseso ng pagbabagun-tao, iyan ay sira na at wala nang pakinabang. Tulad ng aking upuang kanina’y kumpuni ni Itay.

Isa sa halimbawa nito ay ang pagtatalaga ng bagong dekana ng aming departamento: Liberal Arts and Education Department. Hindi lamang iyan, kasabay din nito ay ang pagtatalaga ng mga bagong Area Chair. Maging ako ay nagkaroon din ng maling konsepto ukol dito. Marahil, ay dahil sa maling salitang ginamit ko kanina, ang ‘pagpapalit’ na dapat ay ‘pagtatalaga’. Bagamat pareho ang nais ipabatid nito, naiiba pala ang kanilang pakahulugan. Sa aking pakikipag-panayam sa ibang mag-aaral at ilang guro, karamihan ay iba ang kanilang pagsusuri sa isyung ito. Kaya naman, pati tuloy pag-iisip ko ay na-‘windang’.

Mayroon din tayong kanya-kanyang paniniwala, ngunit, kailangan pala ay alam natin kung tama ang ating pinaninindigan.

Sa pagbabago- pagpapatuloy ng aming departamento, naiiwan ang hamon sa bagong talagang pinuno. Kung patuloy at patuloy pa rin binubulok ng mga taong nasa lipunan ang kanilang sarili, hindi na nakakabigla na mabubulok pa rin ang ating departamento o maging ikaw ay lalamunin na rin ng tinutukoy mong bulok na sistema.

P.S. – Thank You Dr. Bienvinida C. Artuz, Welcome Dr. Meda A. San Juan

MY MOTHER’S SECRET

When first day of school comes, it always reminds me of my mother’s myth of nourishing my mind for according to her, it would make me more intelligent for the whole school year.

It started since I was kindergarten. When I went home after my class in the morning, my mother always told me to drink the blackish juice she had made from a paper. What she did was, she burnt the paper which I had used before such as scratch or those I used in school for writing. After burning the paper, she dropped it in a bottle with water. Then put it in the altar.

If you were going to ask me how it looked like, well, it was like water dipped from a canal. The appearance of the water was black where the ashes had been suspended at the bottom of the bottle and some small sheets of burnt paper were floating on the water.

It tasted bitter, of course, it was because of the concentration of ashes in the water.

I don’t know what actually the real reason for drinking it. All I know, I had nothing to complain but to drink it though I don’t want to.

It continued until I stepped in high school. Before I went to school, I told her not to make anymore that kind of drink. But, when I went home, it was there again. She would just tell me that there was nothing wrong if I would believe on it. So, I was there again, drinking it over and over again.

I don’t know if it was effective. Actually, I graduated in elementary as valedictorian. And always first honor in my 2nd and 3rd year when I transferred at Quipayo High School.

When I was already in my fourth year in high school, I told her not to make it anymore because she would no longer convinced me to drink it.

She still did it anyway but it was drunken by my nephews and nieces who were also studying.

I graduated Salutatorian during my fourth year in high school.

Bagong kakawat

Nag-abot an partera, hinilot–hilot an tulak kan sakuyang ina.
Tigkua an presyon kan dugo.
dangan hinapot ni papa.
Araatyan lang daa, maaki na si mama.

Nagtabang man ngani akong magdakop nin manok.
Iyo na kaya yan an nakaugalian mi
sa kada mag-aki si mama.

Naoogma ako ta igwa na naman akong tugang,
Igwa na naman akong bagong kakawat.
Namumundo ako nin huli ta kadakol na kami digdi sa harong.
Sain na si papa maturog?
Makadurog pa daw siya ki mama?

Dikit na oras lang, naaraman ko na nag-aki na si mama.
Dae ko mapaliwanag an sakuyang kaogmahan.
Paglaog ko samuya,
Mau akong nadadangog ni hibi kan omboy.

Sabi kan matua kong tugang,
Gadan daa an ‘baby’.
Dali-dali kong hinanap an sakuyang tugang,
garu baga itong nag-aabang sa pagbukas kan dakulang puso,
sabay ang pagtunton kan anghel.

Kataid ko si papa habang tigpupunasan
Nin maimbong na tubig an bunso mi kudtang tugang.
Sa ikatulong aldaw daa iniyo ilulubong.

Tama nin gayo, garu siya anghel.
Mapution siya, kakulay ko kan ako aki pa man
bakong arog ngunyan na kulang na lang
dae na ako mahiling kong madiklom sa kaagtaan.

Garu lang siya turog na ikos
na nasisiraman sa lipot asin init sa luwas kan tulak ni mama.
Masiram sa laog, maimbong asin mayong ribok.
Maray pang dae ka na lang nagluwas,
baka mamatian mo pa an pagtios na namamatian ko na ngunyan.

Pag-abot kan hapon, nangalas ako kan nahiling kong
dakulaon an kabaong ni baby.
Sa isip ko, mahiwason man na maray an saeyang higdaan.
Maray pa siya, bakong arog kong nakikisusuan pa
makaturog lang nin tultol kun banggi.
Hastang kan nasirip ko an saendang lalawgon,
nasabutan kong pati palan si mama, sa untro aga man ilulubong.

Basura

My literary when I was in fourth year high school, I had found it this May 9, 2009.


Madalas mong sabihin
Na ika’y tao lang
Na ang lahat ay tila
Basura lamang.
O diba totoo?
Pero di mo alam na ang bawat
Lugar na tinatahak mo:
Mahirap, magulo, masikip
At higit sa lahat walang
Tiyak na paroroonan.
Sa ganitong sitwasyon,
Madalas mo ring banggitin
Na dapat matagal ka ng sumuko
Dahil basura ka lang
Na dapat ay matagal ng tinapon
Sa tabi ng daan.
Pero ang di alam
Marami pang batang-lansangan
Ang umaasa sa’yo
Nang magkalaman
Ang kanilang tiyan.

IPIS

Naaati akong maray sa kada
makahiling ako nin ipis sa samung harung.
Kaya dae ko pinapalampas an pagkakataon
na dae gadanun an insektong
aram kong helang ang kayang darahun.

Alagad, kun ako sa ipis naaati,
egwang mga tawong kaya ining kuahon
gamit an saendang nguso
karibay an duwang milyon.

Kun arog kaiyan, sa aga,
pupulbaran kong ang ipis sakuyang hamilon.

Tungay

Kinatudan ko ng magbasa
kan Guinness World of Record,
sa laog kan saeyang klase,
eto bagang
mga kakaibang pasanto
kan mga ordinaryo
man lang na tawo.

Egwang lalaking
sa hawak dakul nin tattoo;
babaeng may pinakahalabang kuko
sa bitis asin muro;
lalaking pirang oras
na nagbitay nin suwi,
o etong babaeng naghahamil
nin mga turnilyo asin susi.

Pero ako,
hanggang digdi na lang,
hanggang matunaw
sa saemung atubangan.
Dikit na sanang aldaw,
ipepresentar ko naman saemu,
an tropeyong magigin ladawan
kan saimung kahigusan sa pagtukdo,
hali sa mga tungay
na sakuyang inipon asin hinulma
sa irarom kan sakuyang
kinamumugtakan
mantang dinadangog
kan saemung leksyon
dae lang tungkaon.

The Last Quire

FIVE.
Not here to praise the evil deeds
of ambitious Saints,
of dictator’s pretentious bade.
In the village of abused labor paints
the elegance of the rotten system.
Born to fight for the lower prism.
There, freedom is a battle cry.

FOUR.
Not far in the chained mind,
in the blinded credibility.
Not free unless there’s a bar
that binds the limit of dignity.
You’re not born to hide
in the warm mountains afar.
Unleash! Run on your own gun.

THREE.
Strive off to struggle
to seek for the real battle
neither in the high glimmered gold
nor in the soft-molded cotton balls
in a ray blankly looking sky.
Real arena, at the bottom of yelling cries.

TWO.
Off the crowd, rally in a silence mob’s plane.
Off the corner, in a toasted activist’s lane.
You’re looking for the masses,
your strength…
your weakness…
Subconscious freedom in the river prints.

ONE.
Neither to belittle the muddy system.
Your point for the prevailing leaders
damned the coordinate
of freedom and democracy.
You write not for war but CHANGE.

.
You stand alone
over your mind and pen.
The more you shouted the forbidden words,
the more you become a hero,
the more you delimit the boundless thoughts,
the more you get SHOT!

MGA BULONG NI TATANG

Published in BURABOD, The Naga Collegian Literary Folio Vol. LVII No. 2
The author was the literary editor during the publication of the said literary folio.

Ang berdeng inusbungan
ng talutot na isip
ng usok mula sa damdaming
kinulo ng diwang makabayan
naibsan na’ng putik
na tatampisawan ng gintong paa,
na tatapunan ng baliw na paninindigan.
Nagpaubaya sa takip-silim.

Sa bandilang iwinawagayway,
pilit pinasisigaw ng mga salitang
magpapaamo sa tupang kunway galit.
Sawa na ako sa bughaw.

Busog na rin ako sa mga dugong
tumilamsik sa aking mga mata
habang tumatatak ang bala kay Rizal.
Nanginginig, pinipihit ang sandata.

At ang patuloy na pagdanak
ng pulang likido…
patunay na sinisiil pa rin
ang laya ng ibon.

Ilang dekada na ring nagising
sa itim na bangungot,
na pagkatapos ng gira… ng gulo,
masisilayan na ang liwanag.

Nang humalo ang pulang likido
sa bughaw na ulap,
bumuhos ang ulang
nagdala ng bangungot sa sanlibutan.


Ang ngayon…
isang araw pagkatapos ng dekada.
Marahil… malayo. Ang bukas…
napaghalong kulay. Itim ng sigwa.

Sawa na ako
sa berdeng tulad kong pabaya
sa bughaw na gahaman
sa pula’t itim.

Ano ang tunay na laya?
Ang laya habang kinakahon sa bakal?
Ang laya habang nakagapos ang mga pss?
Sawa na ako sa pagkukunwaring:
MALAYA NA TAYO!

inlab kasi

Nakikisabay pa ang mga tugtugin sa nararamdaman ko. Nakakahibang mang isipin ngunit heto na talaga, nagsisimula na akong mabaliw sa mga titig at ngiti mo.

Kung maaari lang ay huwag mo ng subukang idako sa akin ang maamo mong mga mata, kung ayaw mong tuluyan na ako ritong matulala at mawalan ng malay. Gayundin, ang iyong ngiti. At baka hindi pa isang minuto ay walang-wala na ako sa aking sarili.

Ano ba kasing mga tugtuging ito! Lalo lang nitong pinapalakas ang pintig ng aking puso, ang pintig na maaaring huminto at mawala kung ititigil mo na ang pagsulyap at pagngiti sa akin. Kung gayon, ako’y mamamatay.

Centro

ilang tagay pa kaya ang tutunggain ko? mukha atang kunti na lang ang kakayanin nitong sikmura ko at maya-maya'y baka magsusuka na ako sa kinauupuan kong ito. inaamats na ako. hindi ko na nga nababasa ang lyrics ng kinakanta sa videoke nitong katabi kong bading, si Pablo. Pang-limang long neck na'to. halata na ring nine balls na ang mga kasama ko. pero itong bago ko palang na nakilalang bakla ay kanina pa titig nang titig sa akin. kaya imbis na malasing, lalo tuloy akong nagiging conscious sa mga galaw ko na walang sawa niyang sinisine.

'Putang yosi 'to." hindi ko naiwasang magmura nang mapaso ang kamay ko ng hawak kong sigarilyo. ang hindi ko namamalayan, kanina pa pala napupudpod ang lights na hindi ko nahihits sa sobrang pagkalasing at pagkabalisa ko lalo pa't kapag ang mapang-akit niyang tingin ay dumadako na sa aking harapan.

Lintik naman o. Natrapik pa sa akin ang last shot. Nakakahiya naman kong magpa-pass ako.

"Sige na, take the last shot. huwag kang mabitin, may susunod pa." at hinimas ang harapan ko. diin. hindi ko alam kong matatawa ba ako o mapapa-walk out dahil hindi ko na talaga kaya. kelan nga ba ako natutong iputa ang katawan sa mga bakla? iyon ata 'yung nakilala ko ang mga kabarkada kong pumapatol sa bading. hindi e. teka. ah, oo. iyon pala iyong neromansa ako ng pinsan kong bakla. ang lupit noon. elementarya pa lang ako noon. alam na alam niya na ang kwarto ko. kaya tuwing gabi. mamamalayan ko na lang na nasa kwarto ko na pala siya. kaya walang duda, heto ako sa harap ng mga bakla. ewan ko lang kong kanino ako mabubugaw ngayong gabi. wala pa sa isip kong mamili, dahil itong tagay ang pinoproblema ko ngayon.

inabot pa ako ng ilang minuto bago ko tuluyang tinagay at nilunok ang sobrang pait na matador. kaya tuloy, ginamit ko na ang iistrategi ng isang inaamats na ngunit ayaw malasing- huminga ng malalim, inom ng kunting tubig, tungga, titira ng kunti sa basong tagayan, inom ulit ng tubig, ihahalo ang mapait na likido sa malamig na tubig at sabay na lulunukin. susundan pa ng pagtapon ng natirang alak sa tagayan at sabay kuha ng pulutan. para bang isang paslit na pinapainom ng gamot. dudurugin ang tableta ng medicol sa kutsarang may kunting tubig at hahaluan ng asukal nang mawala ang pait. o 'di kaya'y ipapasak sa laman ng saging saka lulunukin ng buo.

“Ang sarap mo pala.” Banggit nitong bakla na kaharap ko kanina sa loob ng aliwan. Sanay na ako sa mga salitang iyan. Maramin ng nagsabi na sa akin niyan sa tuwing hinahalay na ang musmos kong katawan. At siya nama’y patuloy ang hagod sa aking ari.

Heto na naman ako. Walang pinagbago. Katulad parin ng dati. Bagamat naroon pa rin ang pagnanais na magbago, patuloy at patuloy paring hinihila ng karanasan at ng mga taong minsan ng humubog sa maruming pagkatao.

Hindi ko na alam ang mga sumunod sa eksena sa loob ng gay bar na iyon. Hindi ko na nga namamalayan ang oras at kung ilang oras pa ako tatagal sa lugar na ito nang hubo’t hubad katulad ng mapagmasid na buwan na tanging saksi sa kahalayan nitong aking kaniig.

Naliligo na ng laway ang buo kong katawan ngunit para bang isang sanggol na sayang-saya sa pagkalong ng isang ina. Alam kong mali ngunit wala akong magagawa. Para bang bisyo, kung alin ang bawal ay siyang masarap. Sa lumang gusaling ito, muling nahubaran ang aking pagkatao.

hay! kung anu-ano na tuloy ang pumapasok sa isip ko. pati iyong istilo ni mama sa pagpapainom sa akin ng gamot ay nakuha pang maging patalastas nitong kay gaan-gaan kong ulo. si mama talaga. naaalala ko tuloy iyong isang beses na makitaan niya ako ng maraming tsikinini sa katawan. ang daya naman kasi ni Mateet nang una ko siyang makilala sa Centro. bagong dating galing Maynila at namamasukan bilang call center agent. ang sabi ko, huwag niya akong lagyan ng tsikinini. ginawa ko na ngang takpan ng tuwalya ay nasilip pa rin ni mama. si mama naman parang si Kris Aquino, inintriga kung ano raw ang mga lata sa leeg at katawan ko. wala na rin akong naisagot nang umagang iyon kasi wala na rin akong naisip na rason. halatang-halata naman kasi.

ang nanay talaga. Siya lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin. pero hindi niya nagawang magalit. hindi tulad ni papa na sampal ang inabot ko noong mahuli niya ang pinsan kong bakla na nasa loob ng kwarto ko. ako naman na tanga. pag labas ko sa banyo matapos kong maghugas, ayon, parang Statue of Liberty. toink! wala na akong naisumbat. di bale, sampal lang iyon. kinabukasan, parang wala lang akong ginawang live show. kaya ng gabing iyon, nagduda sila na baka ganoon ang pinaggagawa ko sa tuwing magtatambay ako sa centro tuwing gabi.

balik tayo ki mama. akala ko Kris Aquino lang ang kaya niyang i-portray, pati pala si Mother Teresa. sabi niya, "bakit mo ginagawa ang mga bagay na ito? may utak ka. bakit hindi mo ginagamit sa tama? bakit dinudumihan mo ang iyong pagkatao?" ako naman, parang wala lang. ganito talaga katigas ang ulo ko ng mga araw na iyon.

sino ba kasing mag-aakala na ang isang achiever at iskolar na ito ay ganito pala karumi ang kalukuhan sa buhay? kaya ayaw na ayaw kong tinatanong ako ng mga nakikilala kong bakla kong nag-aaral daw ba ako, saan, at anong kurso. hindi ko kasi nasisikmura ang isasagot ko na ang callboy na ito ay magiging teacher pala balang araw. wala na akong matuturo kung moralidad ang pag-uusapan. bagsak na ako dyan.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit ang layo ng isip ko habang katalik itong aking kauri. Pumasok pa sa kukuti ko iyong palaging sinasabi sa akin ni mama bago ko nililisan ang bahay patungong tambayan. “May pasok ka pa bukas. Agahan mo ang uwi mo, huwag kang masyadong magpupuyat.”

ngunit, parang araw ba ng mga puso at si mama ang kupido. Palagi niya kasi akong pinapayuhan tungkol sa ibang anggulo ng aking pagkatao noong nabubuhay pa siya. Kaya naman, hanggang ngayon, baon ko pa rin ang mga salitang iyon. tumusok talaga sa puso ko iyong mga binitawan niyang salita. dahil nang pumasok ako sa kwarto ko, doon na lumabas lahat-lahat na realisasyon. Bago ko pinikit ang puyat kong mga mata nang hapong iyon, iniwan ko ang mga katagang "magbabago na ako."

Bitoks

Nagpuli ako samuyang mamundo
pagkatapos akong bansagang bitoks
kan sakuyang mga kakawat
ta sige ko daa kayang duklit kan sakung lubot.

Pag-abot ko sa harung,
naabutan ko si ate dangan sinabi ko an sigeng
paggirok kan sakuyang lubot.
Sabi niya igwa na naman daa yan nin bitoks
na nagluluwas-luwas sa sakuyang lubutan sa tig-aagihan udo.

Arog kan dati, pinahagad akong palito sa samung kataid
ta hanggang ngunyan ni posporo dae pa kami makabakal.
Pinatuwad ako sa saeyang atubangan
asin tigtiritikwil kan palito an sakung lubot.

Sabayan ko daang kudos
tanganing madara paluwas
ang garu alulunting nag-iiwad-iwad.
Sa sakung pagkudos, dae ko napugol an sakung pag-atut.

Ansod

Daeng anghot ako puon pa kaidto
bakong arog kan napaparung ko sa sakung pinsan
na garu baga sangaw kan samung tangkal
na pirang bulan ng dae nabagunas
puon kan pinabakal si samung anayon
kan kinasal si matua kong tugang.

Kaya dae ko kinahiligan an deodorant
o garu burubaybay na tawas na nilalahid sa kili-kili.
Tama na an limonsito asin atom na karigus.

Sa pagtambay ko sa harung kan sakung kaklase,
mayhambog niyang pinihiling saku an saeyang nabakal
na deodorant na nadadalan
mi lang sa tv.

Nadara man kan kahambugan
an utak kan sakung kaklase,
paggamit mo daa kan arog kaitong mahalon na produkto,
ika mabaguntao.

Mama-magnet an mga kadaragahan
o kun bako man, magigin tsokolate an saimong lawas
kakulay kan nalalapang batag
na pipistahan kan mga bangaw.

Kaya kan nagsultero, nagpuon-puon naman
parungon an kili-kili tibaad ang dating panos
na nagigin anghot
ngunyan ansod na.

Pero mala ni, magradwar na lamang kami
siya na perang taon ng
kagagamit kan saeyang deodorant,
mayong pagbabago
ni sarung bangaw mayu sakong maipabisto.

Sa sarung meeting de avance,
na an tugang ko saru sa mga kandidato
daeng parung an sakung nasinghot,
garu gabos naggamit nin deodorant
dae lang mamarung sa atubang kan gabos.

Sa katahawi kan programa
na gabos nag-uurupak sa bagong proyekto ni kapitan,
garu ako nakaparung nin dae ko maipaliwanag
kung ito mabata o mahamot.

Biniklad an sapatos tibaad nakatungtong lang udo,
kunwaring kinagaw an kili-kili
dangan pahikap na pinarung an sarung muro.
Sabay ngururot kan dungo.

Tias! Dae naiuli
ni kuya si deodorant
matapos niyang masubli.

Angelica

The night is pre-emptied with music
That builds the sound of heartbeat.
I’m searching for a star
In the crowd,
I’m looking for an angel
In the cloud.

Then, the music starts its rhythm,
Until I feel that I was fallin’
To an angel that shines
Like a star.

Her heart sparks
And my heart listened
To an imaginary line
That connects our heartbeats.

So, I hug her soft and sexy
As she lean on this firm
Later, I bloom
That night when I fall for you.

I don’t think how this mature
Hearts could possibly love
An immature and young body
Perhaps, it’s more than life in nature.

I feel wonderful,
Lovely and smiles are
Part of the day.
Until I found out that this love
Is not love anymore,
But life more than it beat my heart.




EASY TO FORGET


My heart fell
on the ground of your love
as easy as I was flown
by the wind so swiftly.

Then, the heart beats
unconditionally just like the vapor
in the cloud that is ready
to burst into a lightening.

But now, rain will end soon
and I wouldn’t wait
for it for me to feel
the hurts.

So, before the clouds
realized to drop rains,
I would rather forget the princess
I easily get from the castle
for that puppy love.

Ms. Gay at San Isidro

Last night, I and my cousin attended the Sunday mass at 7 o'clock. When we walked home, somebody was calling my name. First, I just heard, "Earn" and it was followed by "James". Since I could not recognize the person who was calling me, we just went on and don't mind him. When we were already away from the gasoline store where I've heard my name that voiced out from the group of young boys, I had heard again my name; he shouted my complete name "James Earn". When we turned back, I finally knew the person; he was Pablo (Pau in gaylingo). He was wearing a black tube-skirt.

I wondered why he had called me up. I thought, he was so angry since I jammed with him for the past night and found me run away with Mateet (a new gay I've knew that night). I would not supposedly talk to him though he had called me, instead, I thought, it would be the first way to heal our disagreement. So, I walked back toward him.

"What a sexy (blacky) body!"

"Earn, don't forget to watch the Ms Gay this night."

"Ha? There'll be a Ms. Gay Competition?"

"Yup, I hope you'd come and watch me."

"Ok, I'll be there."

When we leaved, we acted such vomit-taking gossips. "He is expecting that you will trust him again," told my cousin.

I went home. I ate my dinner. It was a little bit, 'walang ganang kumain'.

"Will he join the contest, too?" I thought of someone I've knew.

Instead of going to watch the contest, I was trapped and stranded. I and friends from Talakop and Manguiring drunk at my cousin's house. They are my new friends. Although I still had my friends here in Calabanga (specifically from San Isidro, Intramuros, Centro, etc.), I do not jammed with them as free as I did last year because of the terrible past. I could not avoid to drink moderately since I wanted to finish it before the pageant ended.

It was near 11:30, I got the last shot. They went home but I still watched the pageant even though I felt weak and seems going to rest.

When I arrived, the talent competition was about to end. I saw some of my friends but I joined with Edison and Jomar who were with their girls.

"He's here," Edison told me.

We saw Mitch (gay also who was about to take the next scene with me if he did not found out I was the ex of his friend).

"Didn't you join the contest?" I asked him.

"I am not interested anymore in such pageant." Then, he added. "Michael is here."

Then he left.

After flirting with pokkers who were standing beside us, I and Edison planned to go near the place where the contestants were busy for the preparation. There I saw Jr (living at Bigaas), Gwen, Michael, Jopay (a former classmate in High School), and other gay I knew (not on their names). I also saw some of the gays who were acted as assisstants: Nana Ambet, Forty-one; and some gays I newly knew.

Before the announcement of top 6, Michael had told me to jam with them after the pageant. I gave him an assurance. I felt I was showering my support (hahahaha!) Since he failed to be selected as one of the top 6 finalists, they decided to leave. He told me to kissed him but I refused.

We went to VHI videoke bar. They heard Pablo's fave song. When we came in, I saw him and he was actually the man who was singing. (Like Michael, he failed too.) I did not knew what to do. I thought, he would get angry again since he told me to jam with him after the pageant yet I was gone with other gays. He left the place with, I thought, hatred.

We sit at the blocked chair along the road, between the Danga and VHI. I always asked about the time since I have to be at home before the dawn. He got upset because I acted like a child who wanted to go home that 12:30am.

"Aakian mo pa ngani ako!" he told.

I got angry when he told me those words. It reminded me of the last experience I had with gay.

"No. Now, it's off limit!" telling him while signing a cross at my cock. “…since I still had a bad memory."

"I want to jam only, without a sex. If you don't want, then I've to go home."
"Then he told me, "Ok, go home."

Again, I came on contemplating that when gays jammed with boys, they always wanted that something should happen after it.

I was about to sleep on my restless body when I had received a message from him. "Take care, thanks."

Then I responded the reason why I now hated to jam with gays. Then, he drawn back that he was just joking. But for me, it was not a nice joke since I had it as a trauma. He called on my phone. We were so noisy at the 'terasa'. My mother awakened. Then, I told them to wait me across the chapel.

We walked back to Centro. Since I felt very restless, I vomited. I was at my drunken stupors. When we arrived, no one the park so I thought, I was free to roam there. We went at the Bar I have known since I started being a callboy. (Joke!)

There I found Jr, drinking with his friends who were those pokers I had seen at the VHI Bar. We went in. When Michael left, he told me to jam with them and drank. (Pokers left outside.)

"I could not drink anymore, (massaging my stomach). I could not take it anymore.''

He responded, "I don't care."

So, I had nothing to do but to take the risk anyway, I can still. I had seen Pablo with Ariel. I thought something would go wrong. Pablo went outside and whispered at one of the pokers.

When I was beside Jr, after taking my shot, the poker had slapped me on my right cheek near my lips. I was shocked. I was not expecting a poker I doesn't know yet would slap me up. I stood up and scolded her. I faced her. I placed my lips near hers, acting to kiss her (but I won't).

"How dare you to slap me!"

"I was told to do it… Pablo had told me to slap you."

Then I saw him with his insulting smile.

Edison told me to go outside. Michael was there. He bought burger and a bottle of cold tea. Being upset of what the poker did, I ate it with so much full-blooding hatred. Michael finally knew what had happen. He stood up, leaving me outside, to face Pablo. I felt too much shame since I knew the owner of the said Bar.

He scolded Pablo, but he refused to tell the truth. He came back outside and told other gays, "How dare him to tell anyone to slap my boyfriend!"

"Better if he tell the girl to kiss him, (laughing)" he added.

Then, Jr had transferred their table and continued drinking outside the Bar. He was also angry since at the middle of the issue was his friend. Somebody had told me that the poker gave her apologize to Michael. Then, he (Jr) got inside and told Pablo to clear the issue.

They came out. I was so terrified and ashamed. I was terrified because it might lead to a war between him and Michael. Ashamed because, Jean Marvi will know what was my 'rakets'. She knew me clean and very admiring since we were in elementary.

"Hey! Don't you know, before you, Earn had a relationship with Aye (Ariel, who was outside that time)? Then, I was the next."

I broke the scene, "…'cause, you betray him." I was just laughing so that I would not feel any guilt.

Then I whispered to Michael.

Pablo had kept on nagging me. Actually, while telling something about our past, enumerating my past experiences with gays, he was hurting me with his hand as I beat my drunken stomach.

"Stop! Then, when you were in Manila, he had a relationship with Mateet." He stood up. "Don't tell me Earn, you will deny it."

"That is what I am telling you, bad memory," said I.

"Yes," Pablo added, "he had sex with Mateet."

"But the fact is, I did it because I want to run away from you."

We were like a debate. The crowd reacted everytime they had heard something from ours.

"Now, you're anry because I run away from you that time." I stood up and walked inside the bar, "Useless."

He walked after me. And it seems that he would go to beat me. So, I walked outside and he sit back on the table together with Ariel and company.

I have heard so many rumors.

''Yan kaya, ang mga lalaki."

"Iba talaga ang masiram."

And so on…

After that, the atmosphere did not go calm. The lesly, who was with the pokers, went inside and talked to Pablo. I thought, everyhting would go wrong and more terrible. So, I decided to leave the place.

We went to the park. After a while, Edison, Jomar, Mitch and (I don’t know), came.

Then, we go to the Market to rest at the abandoned resthouse. After an hour, we left.

Finally, we had gone apart. I went home.

The Like-that letter

‘tol, just wanna share this letter I’d kept since Shane started to leave a ‘No touch’ scenario with our Grand Earl pioneer. The main purpose of this is just to make you laugh out of its ‘wrong gramming’. Don’t be too foolish to think of its negative meaning. Here we go…



Sheila Pelonio
2nd Earlness Pionner


First of all good day and thank you that you already say true reason behind why u acting like that to me. I don’t know what would I say to you for thingking that I was like that. As for me I was so very follished guy thinking the big reasons for almost day-by-days why u acting like that to me and I never imagine and thinking that you think of me like that and it was a very big mistake for my self for being so close to you. From now on the only way to finish this problem both of use is the only way that I think for since you say “NO TOUCH” and “BIG SPACE” both of use and better to expect the “COLD FRIENDSHIP”. I also want to cleared to you that your “PICTURE” was not on me just get it to “james” and also I never see you’re picture. And also no one ever read you’re letter that you sent to me last nigth

Thanks for making me a follished thinking day-by-days for your reasons.
“Expect to much that it will have a big change for both of use.”


“I don’t need a reaply again this letter cou’ze I don’t whant to think again”


Joey Cea “Assassin”
Grand-duke Pionner
Grand Earl ka lang poooh!>

Note:
“BURN THIS LETTER AFTER YOU READ”




Remember, it aims to make you laugh not to insult any person involve in the said letter so don’t think like that to me because I am not like that foolish guy, you know.

Wanted

How I felt terrible?
I could not walk alone
I could not stay longer
In this corner.

I want to laugh hysterically.
It bugs me.
I was like a stray
To be a prey.

Endangered, I was not free
I have to hide
I have to hibernate
Until the winter has gone.

Damn you girls!
You gave me this turmoil.
Now, I must be wide awake,
Or else, they’ll find me blooded.

The love war

Last year, in the month of October, there was something happened which I would never forgot. That was the very reason why I was still grounded and stranded for freedom and safeness.

I had many girlfriends. Among them were: Salve, Salud, Angelyn, Victoria, Joana and a girl from Naga City (confidentiality of the name). That time, I was planning ahead to have girlfriends who were at different address to avoid 'bokingan'. Salve was studying at the CSPC and residing at Pili so I wasn't worrying of her. Angelyn was residing at the San Roque, Calabanga. Joana was also living here in Calabanga. And Salud was in Manila that time but she was actually living here also.

I met Victoria Dina Fernandez when I had my observation at Quipayo High School. Then, I had a love contract with her that longed to a month. I had 4 days with Joana's ground. I was not interested nor in love with her to continue our relationship. I only planned to play with her. I had few days to get up my relationship with Angelyn. We broke up when she found out that I was a heartbreaker. Then, I heard from her friends that Joana was the person behind it.

Not later than July, I drove back again to Joana, simply planning for vengeance.

Salud was in Manila that time. Anyway, I do not seriously take our relationship. Then, October marked her coming home here.

I planned out to break Joana but I was so grounded. Her family was very strict. Some of her brothers were treating me. If I would break her, then it would be a trouble. I never it would end in this terrifying situation. Since I was not serious with Salud, I used her to be the instrument in our break up.

When she was already here in Calabanga, news about us was unfolded until Joana's family knew it. Because of that, I was not able to run away nor made the situation lighter. So, I was forced to still be with her to avoid my family from knowing this trouble I had made. First Friday of the month, Joana urged me to go to Hinulid church. I gave her the last chance to be with me before I was sensing that my plan would be realized sooner that time.

When we went back to Centro, I found out that Salud was there with her friends. I did not know what to do. I thought of running home but then I should face the consequence. They quarreled (using words). When they parted, (I was only watching them) I warned Joana. I talked to Salud not to do anything against her for something bad would possibly happen to her.

In Sunday, Salud phoned me to attend the mass. I refused. Because of what had happened last Friday, they might ready to give me the gift of consequence I had made. So, I told her no.

However, she wanted to be here at home if we were not free at the Centro. I went to Centro before the mass started. Then I found her so I went home with her. Along the way, Bornok, saw us.

We jammed at home. Michael, my gay-friend that time was texting me if where I was that time since we will jam after the mass. So, I told her that I would not be able to be with here after the mass since I had an important meeting with a friend.

By 7pm, walked back to Centro and told here to go home. Since I was so in danger, I told her that I would only be at the Market to avoid anyone to see us. But she was insisting me; to be at the park since her friends was there.

When we arrived at the park, I was so shock since Joana was there also. I run away. I did not know what to do.

I went home with so much nervous. Michael never stopped texting me. I could not eat enough. I felt so anxious.

After an hour, a friend told me that Joan and Salud fought at the Octagon. Joana's family was very angry with what happened and they were blaming me. So, what I did was, I texted Michael to drive me away home or else I couldn't jam with him that night. Within a minute, he was with his friend riding in a motorcycle. We went to Sta. Salud.

While I was away, I could avoid thinking of the trouble I had made. I was not expecting that it would run in this terrible situation. Joana and her mother were planning to go to our house and talked to my family. Everything runs wild.

The next day, I was facing a bad threat. I had known that Salud was raped when she went home. She was blotter at the Municipal office. I was also put on the list.

So, I don't have any choices. I have to be at Libmanan or else, I would be put near to death.

The Bad Memory

Last Sunday, April 12, 2009, I hanged out at the Octagon. I was not safe there but I still poured my boredom at the Cento. I had seen Pau, wearing black fit shirt and pants. He called me so stayed long at the Emilio Tible's monument.

"Where have you been?" asked he.

"Anywhere," I answered.

"May I have your contact number?"

"Which?" I laughed, "I have so many numbers." Then, I save one of my numbers in his phone with my name.

After an hour, two girls came over. One, introduced herself as Jean, sit beside me; while the other was sitting beside her. They were friends, I thought.

They came to know me. I like Jelly, the other girl, but Jean, kept on chasing at me. So, what I did was, I just took the risk just to make sure they would not go and I could still saw Jelly, her friends.

But, she was taken by someone I knew as Puti. I lose my inhibition. I could not get into this sticky girl. So, I leaved telling them I would only look for my friends who were waiting for me at the park.

When I got back to the place where they stayed, they were gone. They went home. "Thanks."

I thought, my neuron-cavity was kept on sensing for alcohol. And so, I sit near the bridge.

I had seen Pau and Mitch. I gestured my hand, "I'm here."

They called me up and told me to jam with them. After a while, another gay arrived riding in a padyak. He was new to me. We rode again in the padyak telling me that we would go to Hinulid.

When we were only at a distance, our vehicle stopped since they had found out that Andoy, a gay also, was at the store where their boys were standing along the road. We walked back to Centro. I had seen Alex and his boyfriend.

We went to the videoke bar owned by Magtanong who was living in our Barangay.

We had drunk there. They sung. The only thing I hated most was when Pablo kept on introducing me to other gays that I was his 'jowa'. And so, I secretly signed, 'No, I'm not."

When we were at the bar, I was sitting in front of Mateet, the gay whom I had known for the first time. He was the financer of these drinking trips. So, he was ''rich".

When we finished the bottle of matador, we moved to the other bar, Pando. It was not actually a bar, it was just a store where you would buy drinks and they would provide you the table, chairs and other things for drinking.

It happened to be that I sit beside him. So, we spent the chance. We were holding our hands and hugged secretly, not letting Pablo knew what we were doing while he was busy chatting to other gays.

When we were already done, I run away with Mateet. I knew, Pablo was very angry with me that time, but I did not have a choice, I like this gay, Mateet.

We had such rumors in the market. In the old and abandoned building wherein the moon was the sole witness which lighted up my naked body. I had experienced with him something knew which other gays had not yet done to me. I was like bathing with saliva. He was very expert. "Yuck!"

We were talking to each other while having sex which I never did before. We talked about everything regarding our lives.

"You're so delicious," he said.

I responded with a smile.

"Can I have you?"

"Why not?"

He would go to Manila the next day while I would go back to Libmanan. However, I told him, I would go to Manila.

"What time will you leave?"

"Before noon," I answered.

"I will pay for your booking."

"Ah, e, no need," Then, added, "ah, ok, if we will be there at the terminal at the same time."

"Meet me at the Lariz, we will eat there. Don't worry; I will be the one to pay for everything."

Daring welcome.

Finally, I've got this a little writing blogspot.
Fill free to know this net-addict. hehehe.